


No End Without a Beginning

by naiad (iamnaiad)



Category: NSYNC
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-15
Updated: 2010-01-15
Packaged: 2017-10-06 07:32:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/51210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamnaiad/pseuds/naiad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was nothing special about the day Lance discovered he was in love with Justin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No End Without a Beginning

The beginning didn't come in Florida when Lance's body was still soft and hair fell limply across his forehead. All that mattered then was fitting in with the group and achieving a dream.

The beginning didn't come in Europe when Lance was still just a kid despite what he thought. Europe was singing and dancing and Chris, JC and Joey. He had always wanted an older brother – Europe gave him three.

The beginning didn't come when Nsync finally returned home, a closer family than many related by blood. For Lance that time was nothing but euphoric exhaustion. They were being recognised in the place that mattered most.

The beginning didn't come during the biggest fight of their lives when everyone took turns falling apart and holding the pieces together. The anger and bitterness had been all consuming.

The beginning didn't come when everything exploded and they became untouchable. In the midst of it all, Lance finally accepted himself and realised that his fondness for soft, sweet girls was actually a penchant for lithe, outrageous boys.

The beginning came in the middle.

*

There was nothing special about the day Lance discovered he was in love with Justin. It was just another breakfast on the bus, squashed into a corner as they rolled towards their next engagement. It wasn't worthy of an epiphany.

Sitting in front of eggs and toast, Lance was letting the morning sounds of his band-mates wash over him. Cutlery was clinking against plates and mouths moved wetly around food, smacking quietly. Conversation wasn't a big feature of their mornings, it was one of their more silent periods of the day. He sipped at his freshly squeezed juice, cradling the glass loosely in both hands, and felt his focus move to Justin. It had been happening a lot, this watching Justin. Lance assumed it was his sublimated attraction rearing up again. He'd been attracted to them all at some point, but his fascination with Justin kept coming around every few months. Nothing new, just his hormones kicking in the way they did for any man in the presence of someone attractive.

By the time Lance looked at his plate again his glass was empty on the table, his plate was bare and the coffee he'd been allowing to cool was just lukewarm. It was like driving home on autopilot, there was no conscious memory of the meal at all. Justin hadn't moved, but that wasn't unusual. Looking from his plate to Justin and back again, Lance felt a warm flush travel his body, rapidly followed by a clenching in his stomach. He pushed over Joey with muttered apologies and rushed to the bathroom slowly, trying not to draw too much attention

The cool tiles of the bathroom were a sanctuary. Lance locked the door behind him and, flipping the toilet seat and lid down, sat with a thump. He stretched his arms in front of him and hooked his hands on the basin. His head dropped onto his arms as he tried to ignore the residual tingling and pounding in his chest. "Fuck. Fuck, fuck, shit and fuck!" He slumped back and his foot kicked against the basin cabinet. "Ow. Idiot. Stupid, stupid idiot." He closed his eyes and an image of Justin's hands flashed in his mind. "Fuck!" He said again and jumped off the toilet. "God damn it Lance, you're a fool and if anyone walks in here right now they're going to know it for a fact." Wanting to pace, he turned and took a step only to realise that all he could do was turn in circles. He felt like he couldn't breathe.

Lance flicked on the shower and stripped out of his clothes. They were itchy. He rubbed at his arms, wishing he could stop the crawling sensation across his skin. The shower was roaring, echoing through the tight space. He stuck his hand in. The water was perfect, hot, but not hot enough to scald. He climbed in so that his whole body was under the running water and tried to breathe again. Water went straight up his nose and he snorted and coughed. Nothing was going the way it should, it was meant to be an average day. He rested his head against the shower wall and sighed. He'd been so blind.

The first time Lance had found Justin really attractive was a clear memory. It was in Germany and Lance had been freezing. Their moms were out and Chris and the others had finally decided to take he and Justin to a club. They'd both been so excited. It wasn't just a club; it was a European club. Justin had come across to Lance's room and dragged him back to his own.

Lance smiled, he could still hear Justin's voice.

"You can't go out in anything you own, they'll never let you in." He'd been a little offended at first, but Justin was so well intentioned that he gave in with a smile and let himself be made over. Justin had been hyperactive, throwing things at Lance with frightening speed. "Here, try this. No that sucks. Try this instead." Eventually he'd been satisfied and Lance had sat on the bed as Justin got ready. He'd watched Justin discard all but his underwear and he'd realised that Justin had grown. The skinny and awkward limbs that had been so noticeable when they left America had all but disappeared under lean muscle. Lance had watched the harsh neon light of the hotel bounce off Justin's skin and been forced to excuse himself. In the bathroom he'd thought of his mom and dead dogs and it hadn't taken long before he was ready to go out again.

Lance groaned and slid down the shower wall until he was sitting under the spray, his arms clasped around his knees. That had been the start of the attraction and he'd been aware of it off and on ever since. What he hadn't remembered clearly were all the memories that were pushing at him now.

Europe again and Lance and Justin's mothers had gone home for Christmas. They'd had a small celebration the day before and would be back two days after, but Lance had been miserable. After he'd exchanged gifts with the rest of the band, Lance had excused himself and gone back to the room he had shared with his mother, but was now sharing with Justin. He'd switched on the TV and was staring at it with stinging eyes when Justin came in. Lance hadn't been gone long, maybe ten minutes, but Justin came to check on him anyway. He had held it together well until Justin asked him if he was ok. Before Lance was even halfway through 'yes' he'd been crying. Justin had rushed over and given him a big hug. He didn't let go even after Lance stopped crying or when the others came in to see how they were. Lance had let Justin cry on him the next night

Rehearsal in Florida, dancing was still a massive struggle and Lance had felt like he had to practice twice as much as anyone. He'd been running through the steps. First stepping it out and then trying to get it right at performance level. The choreography had become harder once they'd returned from overseas and Lance had been positive he wasn't up to standard. So while the others took a break and lounged on the floor, Lance had kept going, getting progressively more frustrated. Finally, after screwing it up more times than he could count, he'd groaned and resisted the urge to have a tantrum. He hadn't hid it well though, because Justin had jumped up and started twirling him around the room in a waltz. Lance knew how to waltz and was comfortable with it, so when Justin led, he followed automatically. Justin had spun them around and around until Lance was dizzy and laughing. Then he'd declared that they were going to replace the moves Lance couldn't get with a waltz and "if any of you fuckers have a problem with that, you have to come through me." Lance had lost it completely at Justin's faux toughness and on the next run through Lance got all the moves.

A generic hotel room, Lance doesn't remember where, and they were all piled on the bed watching Independence Day. It had been hard to tell who owned what body part, but he'd had no trouble picking out Justin's foot against his calf. Justin had seen the movie too many times to count and he'd been reciting the lines back and forwards with Chris. Every now and then they'd ad-lib their own dialogue and he, Joey and JC had been in hysterics. Lance had still felt Justin's foot though, and every time he'd tapped it against Lance's leg in time with the soundtrack, a small shiver had travelled his body.

Backstage at their first awards show. All of them had been nervous, Chris especially looking a little green around the edges. Lance had gone very still, the way he always did, trying to breathe and calm himself so that he wouldn't screw up. Justin had wrapped his arms around him from behind, given him a squeeze and a kiss on the cheek and said, "You'll be fine. Pretend you're waltzing." He hadn't been fine, but he'd been ok.

Lance shifted away from the shower wall. The tiles had gone cold and all he wanted was to be warm. He sighed and let his eyes close.

Justin, drunk in a club and flirting with everything that moved. He didn't stop touching Lance the whole night and when they finally got home, he'd kissed Lance on the forehead, stuck a straw in his hair and said, "There, that looks so much cuter."

Racing through the compound, shouting and laughing and trying to get everyone you passed to join in 'the world's biggest water fight'.

Telling the other four he was gay and knowing that Justin's arms were the first around him as he said, "We love you," in a tone that dared the others not to.

Finding Justin screaming at an assistant that had made a mistake and blamed it on someone else. He'd been uncomfortable witnessing the shouting, but Justin had walked over, patted his arm and said, "She's a homophobic bitch anyway." Lance had understood then that Justin had been looking out for him.

There were kisses and smiles and hugs that somehow always meant something special, no matter when they were given. There were fights and jokes and Lance knew that they had made him who he was today. He stood back up, tilted his head and let the water stream over his face. Then he put his head down to his chest and screamed as loudly as he dared.

Lance stayed in the shower as long as he thought he could without one of the others becoming suspicious. He didn't scream again, but he was glad his Mama wasn't there to hear the words coming out of his mouth. When he stepped out of the shower, he left it running and slumped on the floor – curled into a ball to fit in the tight space. He rested his head on his knees. "What the hell am I going to do?" He'd done one of the most moronic things possible and now he was living a soap opera scene in the bathroom of a bus. It was already a memorable experience - another for the pile that was crowding his brain.

Slowly inhaling and exhaling several times, Lance stood. He grabbed a towel from the rack in the corner, and used it to dry off. He picked up his t-shirt, pulled it over his head and smoothed down the front. Lance turned off the shower and hung the towel on the back of the door. Taking another deep breath, he closed his eyes and said his new mantra for the first time. "I am not in love with anyone. Justin is like a brother to me. I am not in love with my brother." The words were soft, but determined. Lance unlocked the door and walked out of the bathroom.

"Dude, did you just have a second shower in our bathroom? Was there a sudden odour crisis that required immediate attention?"

Lance should have known that Chris wouldn't miss anything that happened in his bus, even if it was early. "Um, yeah. Sorry. I wasn't feeling well and I thought a shower might help."

"You ok?" Justin's voice was concerned.

"I'm fine. It was probably something I ate or a virus or something."

"You sure, man?" JC put a hand on Lance's shoulder. Lance nodded. "Well, just in case, Joe, how 'bout you look after Lance. Take him to the other bus. Chris, J and I'll finish up here, ok?"

"Thanks, JC," said Lance. He forced himself to look at Justin and almost bolted when he got a reassuring smile in return. They worried when he got sick and he knew they always would.

Joey clapped a hand on Lance's back, turning him towards the door. "Kel called this morning. Said that Bri smiled for the first time. Isn't that fucking amazing?"

"She's barely a month old. It was probably gas." Lance smiled. "Besides, she wouldn't smile for the first time without her dad or godfather."

"She's advanced, Kel says. It's the Fatone genes…"

Lance listened to Joey love his daughter and let himself be distracted.

*

After his realisation, Lance worked hard to prevent his new awareness from affecting his behaviour. He didn't think that anyone noticed, he didn't avoid Justin or spend any more time with him than he would have otherwise, but he still felt paranoid. The secret felt like it was pushing at his skin. Stretching him from the inside out until he snapped. In his mind, there was only one thing to do. Ignore it and cope.

*

Stepping lightly onto the bus, Lance turned to smile at Joey. "Did you see those signs out there? This tour is crazy already." He used his hands to keep from falling as he walked backwards. "I wish we didn't have to go straight to the next town. I really feel like going out."

"Uhuh. Well, don't look at me." They grinned at each other. It was an old joke. "Anyway, you'll be able to get laid tomorrow night. We're in Chicago for a couple of nights."

"Mmm. You callin' Kelly?"

"Yep. I have to check that the prodigy hasn't started walking without me yet."

Lance laughed. "She's two months, Joey."

"So?"

"I think I'm gonna ride on the other bus for a while. Tell Kel to give Briahna a big kiss and hug from me." Lance squeezed past Joey on his way to the door.

"Always, man. You staying the night over there?" Joey sat on his bed and started toeing his shoes off.

"No. The high won't last long enough to put up with those three all night." He laughed and made his exit. There was a small crowd and Lonnie back by the stadium exit.

Lance climbed onto the other bus. "JC still signing autographs?" he asked Chris.

"It's Justin. 'C's in the shower getting pretty." Chris threw a Playstation controller at him. "That time of the tour already?"

Lance ignored the tiny skip in his pulse caused by Justin's name. He nodded and sat next to Chris. "Yep." It was his favourite time of a tour. Long enough in for everything to be running smoothly, but early enough that it wasn't boring yet. "And I'm about to kick your ass."

Chris snorted, "Dream on, loser," and the challenge was on.

Playing with Chris was an interactive experience and Lance loved it. JC and Justin stayed focused until they started losing, but Chris played dirty from the word go, doing everything he could to distract his opponent. When Justin got on the bus less than ten minutes later, Lance was sitting on top of Chris with an arm around his neck holding him there in a headlock.

Justin rubbed Lance's head and then picked up an abandoned controller. "So, who's winning?"

Lance scrambled off Chris and grabbed the other controller. "Me." He looked at the screen. "Or not me." Glaring at Chris, he said, "And now someone has to pay." Chris jumped off the sofa as Lance lunged and put himself behind JC in the walkway. Lance glared again as Chris grinned at him from safety.

JC ignored Chris completely. "Hey, man. I figured we'd be seeing you here soon." He looked at Justin. "What the hell took so long, J? I thought we'd be on the road before now."

Justin lounged back with grin on his face. "There was a really sweet girl out there."

Chris pushed past JC and Lance, who didn't resist the urge to smack him in the back of the head, and flopped back on the sofa. "Blowjobs count."

"They do not. Besides, it would have been rude to turn her down." Justin was pouting, but there was a mischievous glint in his eyes. Lance sat next to Chris.

"They do so," Chris said. "Don't they, JC?"

JC snorted softly. "Actually, I agree with J. Because, you know, I really don't think it's as intimate and, um…"

"Bullshit!"

"…if it was ok for Clinton, then it's ok for me." JC finished.

"Lance?"

Lance had known he was next, but he still felt like a startled rabbit. If only he could run too, then maybe he'd be able shake the picture of Justin's stomach muscles moving as his hips flexed. "Hmm?"

Chris poked him. "Wake up. Blowjobs. Do they count as sex or not?"

"Oh. Yeah. They count. They definitely count." He really didn't want to be thinking about Justin and blowjobs. Attempting to stop it, he recited his mantra in his head, because as far as he was concerned, he was not in love with Justin. "So, um, who's up for clubbing tomorrow night?" He could feel Chris cackling next to him.

"Sure buddy. We'll go out and find you a nice piece of ass."

Lance cursed himself for blushing. "You know I just want to spend time with y'all," he deadpanned. "Who says I want to get laid?"

JC rubbed Lance's knee from his spot on the floor. "We all want to get laid. Except maybe J, because blowjobs don't count."

"Whatever." Justin was grinning. "I can't anyway. Brit's coming for a few days tomorrow."

"So more non-sex then?" Chris said.

"Shut up. I really miss her. It's hard."

Lance was watching Justin's feet move closer as he stretched his legs over Chris's lap. He felt himself shift a little closer to Chris in the hope that Justin's feet would reach his lap too.

"We all know how hard it is, Justin."

"Sorry, Chris. It's just…" Justin tapped Chris's thigh with his foot.

"Yeah. I know. It's ok."

Lance stood up. "I'm gonna switch back. Joey should be done talking to Kelly." He resisted the urge to hit his forehead for acting like a girl and getting worked up over Justin's feet. Tapping the driver on the shoulder, he asked him to pull over and called his farewell over his shoulder as he walked off the three man bus.

*

Lance was sitting in the VIP section, nursing a scotch on the rocks and scoping out the crowd. Joey and JC were on the dance floor with some girls that had caught their attention. He had no idea where Chris had gone. Justin was back at the hotel with Britney. Lance took another sip of his scotch. He wasn't drunk enough. Or the boys weren't sufficiently hot. Every time he thought he'd found someone worth cruising, he gave up before he started. No one seemed good enough. He tuned back into what the girl next to him was saying, "…so then she said…" and tuned out again. Draining his glass, Lance stood up. "Excuse me," he said and walked away. He definitely needed another drink.

At the bar, he ordered two more scotches. He knocked one back and carried the other to the dance floor.

"Lance!" JC screamed over the music. "Are you still alone, man?"

Lance nodded and sipped his scotch. JC grabbed his hand and gave it a tug, so Lance started dancing. It was mostly just wiggling his hips, but it would do, he didn't want to spill his drink. JC tugged his hand again and Lance looked at him. His head was tilted and there was a huge smile on his face. Lance looked in the direction of JC's head tilt and grinned back. "I'll see you tomorrow, JC."

"Sure, dude. Have fun!"

Lance detoured via the bar again. He bought himself a new drink and a spare and then moved towards his destination. When he reached the guy JC had spotted, Lance held out the spare drink and said, "Hi. I'm Lance."

The guy caressed Lance's fingers as he took the drink. "Matt."

"Nice to meet you Matt." Lance's response was automatic.

*

Matt's hands were rough against his skin and Lance wondered how Justin's hands would feel instead. Soft, probably, except for the calluses from playing the guitar. Matt's kisses were skilled and forceful and Lance knew from seeing Justin with Britney that his kisses would be gentle and teasing - slow instead of fast, soft instead of hard. Matt's mouth around his dick was almost perfect and when Lance thought of Justin's mouth he stopped thinking altogether.

*

The first person Lance saw at sound check was Britney. She was sitting in a corner of the quiet room chewing on a fingernail and talking on the phone. He waved at her and went looking for the rest of the band, trying to forget the thumbs up and cute little grin that she gave him.

Justin and JC found him as they came racing down the hall on scooters. They pulled to a stop and Justin threw an arm around Lance's neck. The thoughts Lance had been having about being a horrible human being increased tenfold.

"Took you long enough to get here, yo. I suppose I'd be last to arrive if I spent the day in bed too, but I expected a bigger smile. C said he was hot."

Lance's smile came more easily now. "Who said I was in bed all day?"

JC ticked off his fingers as he spoke. "Most of the day off, no travelling, a fine guy - where else would you be? Unless..." JC suddenly looked quite horrified. "He wasn't crap was he?" Bad sex was one of JC's top ten nightmares. "Lance, please tell me he wasn't awful, because then I'd be responsible, and, damn. I'm sorry, man."

"Relax, JC. I'm seeing him again tonight, but believe it or not I haven't been in bed all day." Lance frowned slightly. "Did you know that other people have this thing they do, I think it's called 'work'?" It seemed a bit unnecessary for both of them to hit him in the head, but Lance hadn't really expected anything less. "Where are Joey and Chris?"

"Up at the stage. We're almost ready to go." Justin used the arm he had around Lance's neck to tug him in the right direction and they all started walking towards the stage. "But seriously man, you really don't look like a guy that just got well fucked."

"Justin!" Lance loved playing sweet and innocent. "I'm just a bit tired. Speaking of, I just saw Britney on the phone and she was looking a bit stressed out. You guys didn't fight, did you?"

"Na. She's getting some heat from management and her mom for coming to see me." Justin was obviously worried.

"It's two days and three nights. Don't they know what'll happen if she doesn't get a break?"

"Yeah, I know. I can kind of understand though. I mean, she's the only one there is, it's not like there are others who can do appearances instead. But, we wanted to see each other, you know?" Justin sighed. "I miss her when she's not here."

"She's tougher than she looks, Justin. Brit will be fine." JC patted Justin's shoulder and jumped on his scooter.

"He's right, you know." Lance said. "Britney's sweet, but she's strong, and with you she's even stronger." There was a slight twitch behind his left eye.

Britney came out for the sound check and Lance watched as Justin went straight to her after they were done. He sat behind her and wrapped both his arms and legs around her body before kissing her neck gently and hooking his chin over her shoulder. Lance saw Britney relax her body back into Justin as he whispered in her ear. He felt guilty for seeing the intimate smile they shared and attempted not to imagine himself in Britney's place as Justin tightened the hug ever so slightly.

A tap on his shoulder startled Lance from his contemplation and he caught a glimpse of a strange expression on Joey's face before it split into a broad grin. "You and me, Bass. 'Grease', pizza and beer."

"But we have a show in three hours."

"Once won't kill you. Besides, I could do with the company."

"Everything's ok, right?"

Joey nodded. "Everything's fine. I wanted to go shopping for my girls, but I can't because all the teenies will be at the mall before the concert and I don't feel like dealing. So. You're the next best thing."

"Your room or mine?" Lance asked.

Nsync hit the road again two days later. Matt stayed behind with a generous gift from Lance and Britney flew back to LA with kisses and declarations of love from Justin.

*

Lance had lost track of how much he'd had to drink. It didn't really matter anyway. If one of the others couldn't, then one of the bodyguards would take care of him. He waved the cocktail waitress over and ignored the way Justin ran a hand over her ass. Looking around the club, Lance hunted for his friends. Joey was dancing, Chris was up at the DJ booth and JC was making out with a girl in a corner of the VIP area - they all looked bored and Lance realised that the mid-tour slump was about to hit.

When the waitress returned with Lance's drink, Justin pulled her down into his lap and Lance walked away. He decided that a lap of the club was better than watching a drunken Justin technically not cheat.

With his hands buried in some guy's hair, Lance thought about how perfect it was - curly, but still soft enough for him to bury his fingers down to the scalp and feel the motion through his hands as well as his dick. The stall wall was cold against his ass, but only in an abstract way. The alcohol had numbed his senses to the point where he had knowledge of things, but couldn't really feel them. Soft hands gripped his hips and Lance was vaguely aware that there were no rough spots at all. He felt his pleasure intensify as one of those too delicate hands reached back to stroke behind his balls. He pushed the man's head away as he came and then pulled him to his feet. Lance cleaned up and leant in for a kiss. "Meet me outside," he said and left the stall.

Back at their table, there was no sign of the waitress, but another girl was sitting on Justin's lap, a hand down his pants. Lance found himself irrationally pissed off.

"Justin. Hey, Justin." There wasn't enough of a response to suit Lance. "Damn it, Justin, get your mind off your dick and focus on me for a minute would you?"

"What the fuck?" Justin wasn't looking particularly happy either. "Damn, Lance, what's your problem?"

"Nothing." And suddenly Lance was on a roll. "It's just, you have a girlfriend, Justin. One that you love and who loves you back, but here you are with some... some girl's hand down your pants." He leant in to make his point. "Some of us would kill to have what you've got, but if you're not careful you're going to throw it away. You know I love you," and, fuck, he really hadn't meant to say that, "but sometimes I don't understand. I just hope it's worth it. I'm leaving. Tell the others." Lance walked away quickly and gestured to Lonnie - he didn't want to hear Justin's reply.

Later, when Lance was getting fucked, he tried not to think that he'd been a self-righteous asshole. He would apologise later.

*

Lance apologised, but tension seeped into the tour anyway. It was inevitable. No matter how much they loved each other and how well they knew the others' habits, the relentless proximity affected them all. Lance thought that maybe he was feeling the tension more than anyone, but watching Justin scream at Joey for not chewing with his mouth closed made him wonder. It was the fourth time in two days that Justin had lost it over something relatively minor. The annoyance he'd displayed at JC's habit of running his hands through his own hair had been truly spectacular. For his part, Lance didn't care if JC liked the feel of his hair or if Joey was a slob, but he sure wished that Justin wouldn't screech quite so much and that Chris wouldn't hog the Playstation. He watched as Justin stalked back to his bunk.

There was a perverse pleasure in seeing Justin upset. It made Lance feel guilty, but Justin's misery provided a relief to his own constant undercurrent of jealousy and desire, a way to see that not everything was perfect. Lance stood and followed Justin. He tapped on the wall and then pulled back the curtain. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah. It's just." Justin waved his hand in a vague circle. "You know."

"Uhuh. Anything I can do?"

"Get us a week off so I can visit my girlfriend?"

Lance laughed. "Sorry. I think that one's beyond me." He took a seat next to Justin's legs and swallowed. "You seem to be missing her a lot this time."

"I'm lonely, Lance. I don't know why it's bothering me so much now, but…"

"You miss her."

"Like crazy," Justin said.

Lance wanted to tell Justin that he missed him too, that he missed the complete absence of possibility. That there was a big, gaping hole in his chest because Justin would never feel the same way as Lance. That every time Justin mentioned Britney or fooled around with girls in clubs, it felt like a knife jabbing his gut. Lance wanted to tell Justin that he was so envious of Justin's relationship that it made him nauseous. "Why don't you call her? I'll let the others know so they don't bother you."

"I think I will. She should have some time to talk." Justin smiled at Lance. "Thanks, dude."

"You're welcome."

*

At some point during the slump, Lance was surprised to discover that he was having a good time.

In an effort to give himself some space, he'd started going out almost every night and rediscovered what it was like to be around people who didn't know him as well as they knew themselves. The rest of the band usually came with him, but not always together, sometimes it was just one or two of them. It didn't matter though. He rarely spent much time with them once they hit the clubs and he was always the last to leave. Lance was a little proud that none of them could seem to keep up with him.

Reclining against the back of the ultra-cool sofa, Lance sipped at his drink, ignored the people around him and took in the club. There was little to distinguish it from the others he'd been in recently - it seemed that there were a few basic concepts that club owners ran with before adding 'individual' touches. He scanned the crowd absently and let his mind wander over the past month or so. Anthony had come after the man with the soft hair. He'd approached Lance with a line so cocky that Lance had no choice but to be charmed. He'd also had incredible hipbones that formed a perfect 'v' in his low riding pants. Scott had had pink, pouty lips, a wicked tongue and the skill to use them both. Broad shoulders and a small, tight ass were what Lance noticed first about Brad, and they were what he remembered best. David was from the south with a gentle twang tempered by time spent in LA. He reminded Lance of home. Steve had blue eyes. David Number Two had tattoos. Mark had big, masculine hands. Peter screwed like a pro. Javier had tight curls and flawless skin. Dean had ideal abs. Lance had a mental spreadsheet, but it was incomplete because he'd forgotten so many names and faces, and because sometimes he didn't get names at all. He was getting laid on a regular basis. He was a member of one of the biggest bands in the world. He had money to spare and a family that loved him. Life was good.

Lance climbed out of the sofa and went to the bar. He ordered another drink and smiled at the man next to him. Tall, with a buzz cut and a cheeky smirk, Lance had no doubts about who he was taking back to the hotel. He ordered a second drink and let his gaze linger when he handed it over.

A hand to the centre of his chest, Lance kissed Joel as he pushed him backward out of the hotel elevator. They'd been making out off and on ever since leaving the bar. He broke the kiss, hooked his fingers through one of Joel's belt loops and started pulling him towards his hotel room. They were almost there when a door opened and Justin walked out.

"Ah. Hey, Lance. You just got back?" He looked over Lance's shoulder and back again.

Lance felt frozen. He was very conscious of his dishevelment. "Yeah. We were just…" The whole situation was ridiculous. Justin had seen him with other guys, but Lance was acting like he'd been caught bent over and ass naked.

For some reason Justin seemed equally flustered. "Right. Um." He paused a little and frowned. "Do you think we could maybe talk for a second?"

"Sure. I'll come back to your room. Just give me a minute."

Justin nodded and went back into his room. Lance turned to Joel and smiled. "Come on. Let's get you comfortable while you wait." He led them to his room, opened the door and ushered Joel inside. "Help yourself to the minibar. I won't be long." They kissed briefly and Lance left again.

He didn't need to knock on the door; Justin swung it open before he had the chance. Lance walked in and studied Justin's face. "Everything's ok, right?"

"Everything's fine." Justin didn't seem capable of sitting still.

"Have you taken something, Justin? Because you know we have a rule…"

"What? Fuck, no. I just wanted to talk to you about something, dude, and it's kind of awkward."

Lance sat in an armchair and watched Justin pace. "So what is it? Whatever it was, he wasn't sure he wanted to hear it. Justin didn't get worked up like this around them very often.

"See. The thing is," Justin stopped moving for a second, "I've noticed that you've been going out an awful lot and, um, is everything all right with you?"

"I'm fine, Justin. I'm just having some fun." Lance tried his best not to sound defensive. "I've always liked to go out a lot. You know that. And you do it too."

"I know. Really I do. But all these guys. That's new." Justin was staring straight at Lance. "It's dangerous."

"Maybe." Lance felt lost, he had no idea where this conversation was going. "It took me a long time to accept who I am, Justin. Don't tell me now that you have a problem with it."

Justin looked shocked. "Jesus! Of course I don't have a problem with it. I'm not fucking homophobic, I'm just fucking worried that you're fucking whoever's available to make yourself forget."

Ice ran between Lance's shoulder blades. Suddenly he knew exactly what Justin meant. "Forget what, exactly?"

It was an impasse. Justin was floundering, afraid that he would put his foot in it further. Meanwhile, Lance wasn't ready to admit to anything. It seemed that they both knew something, Lance was just hoping like hell that the thing Justin knew was not the same as the thing he knew. The silence built and Lance was nearly ready to bolt.

"Dude. This screwing around. It's not really you." Justin's voice was gentle. "Maybe you'd be better off looking for a boyfriend instead. Someone who wants to be with you as much as…"

The expression on Justin's face was humiliating. Lance didn't want to know what Justin had to say any more. He didn't want pity or sympathy and he most certainly did not want confirmation that Justin knew. "I'm fine, Justin. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone waiting for me." Lance left with as much dignity as he could muster.

He walked straight back to his room and was pleased to see that Joel was already naked.

*

For Lance, the mid-tour slump never went away, it just turned into a second half rut. The other guys got over it and loved everything about each other again, but he didn't feel completely involved. His new routine held fast and life became a merry-go-round of singing, dancing, interviews, clubs, drinking and men. The mental spreadsheet doubled, or possibly trebled. It didn't matter, he'd stopped paying that much attention anyway. He didn't avoid his friends, but things weren't the same. Being around Justin was embarrassing and painful. If any of the others knew, he didn't want to know about it.

He found out nevertheless, three days after the tour ended, when Joey and Kelly introduced him to Freddy.

They were supposed to be discussing their plans for the movie promotion, but instead Lance found himself on what appeared to be a stealth double date. He arrived early and found Kelly cooking and Joey setting the table. His suspicions were aroused by the four place settings, but Joey just handed him Briahna. It was a sneaky move and when Lance opened the front door at Kelly's request, he knew he'd been set up.

Lance bided his time before confronting Joey – ignoring the glances that were constantly being sent in his direction. He actually enjoyed Freddy's company over dinner, but that didn't mean he was going to let Joey get away with such an underhanded operation. When the food was finished, Lance volunteered both himself and Joey for cleaning duty and found himself having his second awkward conversation of the month.

"Since when do I need setting up?" Lance asked.

"You need all the help you can get. Have you looked in a mirror lately?" Joey was trying to joke his way out of it. Lance wasn't going to give up that easily, though. He wasn't as pissed as Joey thought, but he was still going to make Joey squirm. He didn't respond to the joke. Instead he gave Joey a look.

Joey stopped stacking the plates and faced Lance directly. "Ok. So. Um. You've been getting your groove on a lot. Which is great. Really. But, I know you, man and I know it's not working."

Lance leant against the nearest available surface. Trepidation made his throat constrict, but he managed to speak anyway. "What's not working?"

"This thing you're doing to avoid thinking about Justin."

Well, fuck. Did everyone know? "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Lance."

Lance couldn't move. "No, really. What does Justin have to do with me living my life?"

"Best case, you've got a crush. Worst case, you're in love with him." Joey put a gentle hand on Lance's shoulder. "Me? I think it's the worst case, which is really fucked up. So I decided to do something about it." Joey's hand grabbed Lance's chin and forced him to pay attention. "Fucking random guys isn't going to work. Especially not the guys you've been fucking. You need a relationship or something. Someone who'll keep you occupied when we aren't working, that won't give a shit if you don't declare your love and who knows how to keep his mouth shut. Freddy could be that guy."

Lance looked Joey right in the eye. "I am not in love with Justin. I may, however, be a little lonely. What Justin has with Britney and what you have with Kel…" Lance sighed, "I'm jealous of that. I want someone to spend time with the way you guys do."

"You won't find it by screwing a different guy every night."

"But at least I'm having fun."

"You sure about that?" Joey didn't even attempt to look like he believed Lance.

"Yes. I am." Lance knew Joey believed him, because he was telling the truth. He was having fun – when he wasn't thinking about Justin. It wasn't entirely necessary for Joey to know that his idea was good or that Lance thought Freddy would do quite nicely. Joey would find out when Lance asked Freddy to come his place for after dinner drinks.

"Ok. I trust you. But if you need to…"

"Talk. I'll come to you." Lance flung an arm around Joey's shoulders. "Let's finish this and get back out there. I want to hear more about the crazy Fatone family."

*

Freddy came home with Lance that night and essentially stayed. The sex was hot and even a little bit nasty, and Lance found that he enjoyed expanding his horizons. Freddy didn't remind him of Justin at all.

Freddy's hands were almost feminine and he loved to scrape at Lance's skin with jagged nails. His short, muscular legs would hold Lance right where Freddy wanted him as he attacked Lance's body with wet kisses and small bites. The ever-present stubble burnt Lance's skin in the best way and Lance liked digging his fingers into Freddy's round ass as Freddy drove deep inside his body. They fucked with restraints, blindfolds and toys from Freddy's collection. Freddy wasn't at all virginal and blowjobs counted.

Lance wasn't blind to Freddy's flaws, he was with him because of them. Freddy was ambitious and arrogant and ready to do whatever was needed to work in Hollywood. Lance was a big step towards that goal. He didn't care; it made Freddy accommodating.

*

Preparations for the concert special didn't feel like work to Lance. The Bahamas were beautiful and exotic. The weather was amazing, steamy and warm. They were working with Tim McGraw. He was getting laid more than he had thought physically possible and the tight knots that were common in Justin's presence had finally loosened.

Lance flicked his tongue and felt Freddy shudder. He pressed his hands against Freddy's hips until there was resistance and followed the backward movement with his mouth. Freddy moaned and Lance sucked a little harder. He slipped his hands between Freddy and the wall and pulled him in further. He loved the power this position gave him, when he could feel his partner losing control through tip of his tongue and the back of his throat. He ran a hand over Freddy's shirt, feeling the fabric shift under his touch. The tiny shakes and shivers were increasing and Lance was moving to bring things to a close when he heard a click behind him.

"Oh. Um." JC's voice cut over the top of Freddy's heavy panting. "Uh. Sorry. I was just looking for… And the door wasn't. Um."

Lance surreptitiously wiped his mouth with back of his hand and stood up. "It's ok." He could hear Freddy behind him, fumbling with his pants. "I should have locked the door."

"Yeah. That would have been a good idea, man." JC was past stammering, but his eyes were round and his face was pink.

Freddy shifted, but Lance didn't move. He was trembling a little, because he knew what was bothering JC. It wasn't that he'd walked in on them, JC's attitude towards sex and nudity was very open. Lance was willing his mouth to move when JC spoke again.

"I'll leave you to it, dude." His eyes flicked across to Freddy. "Let you finish up or whatever." He looked at Lance again and Lance closed his to avoid what he saw in JC's expression. "But you'd better take that to the dry cleaners, I don't think J'd be too happy if you got come on the costume he has to wear tonight."

JC left and Lance sat on the floor.

*

Lance decided he was numb. Apparently everyone knew how he felt about Justin; there was no way Chris was out of the loop if Justin, Joey and JC all knew. It was too much - too much to feel, too much pretending. He was sick of acting as though everything was ok and feeling the others watching him, waiting for him to break. That was ridiculous. He wasn't about to break. Things were great.

The tiny amount of time off they had between the concert and Christmas was just what he needed. Lance packed up Freddy and went to LA. They spent the next month drinking and fucking, sometimes together, sometimes not. If they had been performing as well, Lance would have seriously contemplated the possibility of a time machine. The only difference would have been Freddy's presence. Freddy was a comfort. He didn't pressure Lance for anything other than a good time and he didn't ask Lance any questions he didn't want to answer.

He was getting ready to leave his house when his cell rang. Picking it up, he didn't bother to check the caller ID. "I know, I'm late, but I'm on my way."

Chris's voice came down the line. "That's good to know, because we want to talk to you, Bass."

"Chris, man. How's it going?" Lance grinned. He missed the guys and had been thinking of inviting them up.

"Good. Dude, are you drunk?" Chris sounded, odd, and Lance chuckled a little.

"Not really, I had a few drinks and I'm about to go out." Lance sat down. "I'm feeling relaxed and happy."

"Great. Glad to hear it. Now when are you getting your ass back here?"

"Where's here?"

"Florida, you dip shit." Now Chris just sounded cranky.

"Right, of course." Lance thought for a second. "I'm coming back two weeks before Christmas, but I'll only be there for a week before I go to Mississippi."

"Ok. There's a barbecue at my place the day after you get back. Just us five. Don't miss it or I'll be forced to hunt you down."

Lance laughed. "I'll be there. I miss you guys."

"We miss you too, Bass." Chris sounded sad and Lance wanted to reach through the phone and hug him.

"I'll see you soon, Chris." He looked at his watch. "I have to go."

"Ok. Yeah. See ya."

Lance arrived at Chris' house early, but so did everyone else. He was the last one there and the way the conversation paused at his entrance made him nervous. That didn't last long, however, and soon he was being hugged and manhandled just the way he'd expected. When they were done, he handed Chris the beer he'd brought and sat down.

Joey sat next to him and handed him an open beer. He smiled. "So how's Freddy?"

"He's good. Still in LA. He's not going home for Christmas until later." Lance gulped at his beer and willed his eyes not to follow Justin's ass as he danced along to the music.

"Good, good." Joey was looking at Lance intently. "So how's it going with," Joey waved a hand towards Justin.

"Fine. It's nothing worth talking about." Lance sipped his beer and noticed it was almost gone.

"Are you sure. Because we've been hearing some stuff." Lance looked at Joey. "And, we're all kind of worried."

"What sort of stuff?" Lance was curious. He'd thought that he'd been pretty discreet.

"A lot about you drinking." Joey took the bottle from Lance and shook it a little. Then he showed Lance his – it was barely below the neck. Lance's was empty. "And a little bit about some guys."

Lance looked at his hands. "It's not what you think." He stared Joey in the eyes. "Really, it's not. I'm just having some fun. Cutting loose while I can." Lance wasn't sure he even believed himself. He glanced over to the others and saw them trying to pretend they hadn't been watching.

Joey sighed and Lance looked back at him. "That doesn't matter, man. People are talking. You need to slow it down."

Lance nodded. "Yeah, I can do that I guess. You don't want me to stop altogether?"

"No," Joey shook his head. "We just thought you should know. You probably want to see your face in a tabloid even less than we do."

"Right." Lance patted Joey's knee. "So how's my favourite girl?"

"She's great. She's almost doubled in size since the last time you were around."

Lance refrained from going for another beer. "I'll come over tomorrow as long as it's cool with Kelly."

"Awesome!" Joey clapped his back. "Want another beer?"

Lance sighed with relief. "Yes, please." It didn't seem like it was a huge issue after all.

*

Not long after New Year's Eve, Lance found the refuge he'd been seeking. A chance for some time away without damaging the group or hurting feelings. He called the guys, threw a party at his house and announced his plans to go into space.

*

Lance watched Justin over Freddy's shoulder. Freddy had been talking smack about some bouncer for about fifteen minutes, pissed because he hadn't been treated with the respect a member of Nsync's entourage deserved. Lance had stopped listening early in the rant, already well versed in all of Freddy's points and just wanting to relax. It was the first time he'd been out since starting his pre-training training program.

Justin was gesturing wildly at Chris. He'd walked back into the VIP lounge a moment before, looking full of rage and ready to kill the next person who crossed his path. Chris had intercepted him and taken the phone from his hand. If Lance had to guess, he'd bet that the call had been from Britney - another desperate plea for forgiveness. They weren't officially split up yet, but they were done. Lance interrupted. "Forget about it. I'm going to talk to Justin. I'll see you at home later."

Chris saw Lance coming and latched onto him immediately. "Lance! How's it going?" Chris's eyebrows were dancing all over his forehead. "I was thinking it'd be good to get out of here. The music sucks and the chicks aren't hot enough." His hand was clamped around Justin's wrist. "How about we hit a strip club?"

Lance raised an eyebrow.

"I know, I know, but think of it as ironic. And Junior here could use our support." Chris knew Lance would go. It was written all over his face.

"Fine. I'll tell JC we're leaving. You grab Mike and we'll meet at the car." Lance put a hand on Justin's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze before walking away.

They found a club with ease and Lance thanked the Lord it was close. The whole car trip had been consumed by Justin's fury. Britney was delusional. Britney was a fucking slut. Britney couldn't give head to save her life. Britney couldn't sing or dance. Britney was a spoilt brat. His current diatribe continued unbroken as they were ushered through the club's side entrance.

"So she fucking says to me that she felt we needed to practice. Practice!" Lance wondered if bats could hear Justin's voice. "So that we'd be better in bed together. What a load of bullshit! And she thought I'd accept that? Then... Then!" Lance felt Chris grab his hands as he attempted to cover his ears. "She tells me that she'll do anything to make it up to me and offers to buy me a car. A fucking car."

Chris's voice was low. "She's just young, J."

"She rips my heart to shreds and offers to buy me a car and 'she's just young'. I don't care how fucking young you are, no one with more than two brain cells would think that was a good idea." Justin plunked into the seat in front of him. "You can't fucking trust anyone."

Lance ordered a bottle of Jack Daniels and three glasses. "Justin. You know that's not true." He could see Chris nodding from the corner of his eye and he put a hand on Justin's leg, cursing the way his body made him feel. "You can trust me and Chris and Joey and JC. That's more than some people have and I haven't even mentioned your family." Lance wanted nothing more than to wrap Justin tightly in his arms.

"Thanks, man. It's just. Fuck!" Justin put his head in his hands and Lance moved his hand to the back of Justin's neck. Rubbing softly, he felt Justin inhale. "I really loved her and she fucked me over."

Lance kept his personal feelings to himself. Justin had been far from a saint in his relationship with Britney, but it was Lance's job to sympathise with his friend and he was feeling Justin's pain as if it were his own. "I'm not an expert, but I don't think that's the direction you're supposed to be looking in a strip club."

"Damn right, Bass." Chris poured a drink and slid it in front of Justin. "Drink up, boy, it's time to objectify and drool."

Justin laughed bitterly and then knocked back his drink in one hit. Chris and Lance shared a conspiratorial smile as Chris poured two more and they followed suit.

Lance was feeling a little hazy. There was a girl gyrating on his lap, bumping against him and shifting away in time with the music. He tried to focus his eyes, but she was too close. All he could make out was a distinct lack of clothing and, what was possibly blonde, hair. On his left Justin appeared to be enjoying a collaborative dance from two other strippers. His hands hovered over both of them, teasing as though he was going to touch, yet never completely crossing the line. There was a smile on his face, but it wasn't quite real. Lance felt himself reaching out, but was powerless to stop it. His body wasn't cooperating with his brain any more. He leant a little and grasped one of Justin's hands. Justin looked at him and Lance smiled in what he hoped was a reassuring way before turning back to the girl in front of him. He didn't let go of Justin's hand and Justin didn't take it back.

When Lance finally got home, he crawled into bed and woke Freddy up.

*

Strip clubs became a regular feature of the tour. Justin didn't enjoy going on his own. He was angry and bitter and avoided his phone as much as possible. He left it behind when they went to the clubs, trusting that one of the others would have theirs. Lance always went. It wasn't always just Lance, but Lance was always there. He didn't give up his training, though he was drinking more than he should and, combined with the tour, it was wearing him out. It didn't matter, Justin needed him and he was there.

They settled into a routine quickly. First they would visit a regular club and dance and drink a little. Then they'd leave for the strip club. They'd take a seat in a dark corner and order a bottle of Jack and glasses. Justin would rant and swear and drink faster than Lance. When he reached the right level of tipsy, he would become maudlin, so Lance would take his hand and drink faster than Justin. Justin would have two lap dances, Lance only one, and then they'd keep drinking until they were drunk. Sometimes Justin would take a girl when they left, but not always. If Freddy was around, Lance always woke him up. If he wasn't, Lance took a shower.

Watching another anonymous girl grinding against Justin, Lance felt stretched. His responsibilities, his heart and his mind were all pulling and pushing at his skin. He squirmed in his seat and pretended to watch the woman in front of him. When she was done, Lance turned to Justin to get his attention only to find he was already looking back at Lance.

"Ready to go?" Justin asked. Lance nodded, Justin didn't seem as drunk as usual and Lance had really had enough. He needed a break from nudity.

The trip home was quiet. Lance rested his head against the back of the seat and closed his eyes. Justin was humming softly next to him, a soothing melody that made Lance feel safe and drowsy.

When they got back to their floor, Justin put a hand on Lance's arm. Lance stopped walking and turned to face him. He smiled, small and barely there, before he leant forward and pressed his lips against Lance's. It was chaste and quick and it left Lance stunned.

They stood for a moment and then Justin whispered, "You don't have to come with me any more. I'm ok." He opened the door to his room and went inside, leaving Lance frozen in the hallway.

Lance finally moved, though it took an eternity for him to regain control of his body. He walked towards his room, trying to process what had happened and how it made him feel. He didn't know, but it felt like Justin had been saying goodbye.

The keycard for his room was heavier than it should have been and he struggled to open his door. Once he was inside, he pulled off his shoes, threw his jacket over a chair and sat on the edge of the bed. He was still there in the morning.

*

From that moment on, all Lance thought about was his training. If he wanted to be on a space flight, then he had to be ready. He stopped going out. When he wasn't performing or promoting Nsync, he was running or weight training or reading whatever he thought might be relevant. He was going to do whatever was necessary, because he wasn't stupid enough to think it was a twice in a lifetime opportunity.

*

Lance closed the door behind JC and felt himself pulled into another gigantic hug. He'd been hugged earlier, but they'd been in public then and JC had held back. The one he was getting now was personal, JC's way of telling Lance how much he had missed him. Lance let himself relax into JC's embrace and admit just how much he'd missed his friends too. Leaving had felt like the best option and the training program had been his Holy Grail, but he hadn't really understood how absolutely connected he was to the rest of Nsync. His arms tightened around JC's back before he let go and stepped away.

"Do you want something to drink?"

"No. I'm good." JC had been grinning from the moment Lance saw him and he still hadn't stopped.

Lance poured himself some water and sat next JC on the sofa. "So how are you? What's going on? How is everyone?"

JC laughed. "We're all good, man. Chris has been crashing at my place, J's working hard on the solo thing Joey's got a zillion things going on, and I've been chilling out and writing. You already know that, enough about us, dude. Tell me more about you. How's the training going?"

Lance dropped his head back. "It's great, JC, I'm learning so much and doing things I never thought I'd have the chance to do." He turned his head to look at JC. "We've been working in zero gravity. It's so cool. We need to work it into a clip or something."

"Yes! Absolutely. Maybe for a ballad or should it be up tempo?" JC started humming a beat and tapping his fingers on Lance's knee. He stopped abruptly. "How much do you think it would cost?"

"Probably too much." Lance smiled. "But you never know. Why don't we wait until the next album's done?"

"Yeah, I suppose." JC frowned. "How are you really? You look tired."

"Exhausted, in a good way. I don't think I've worked this hard in my life. Not even when we were doing three shows a day and rehearsing in between." He huffed a little in amusement and flexed a bicep. "I'm so fit it's scary."

JC obligingly gave his arm a squeeze. "Dude! I'm gonna have to fire Lonnie and have you take his place."

Lance smacked JC, who smacked him back and seconds later they were rolling on the floor, giggling like mad as each of them struggled to pin the other. It ended with Lance sitting on JC, a smug grin on his face. JC was puffing, but he still managed to speak. "I think you just proved my point, man."

Lance pinched his side and climbed back onto the couch. "I don't have time to be your bodyguard, JC. I'm too busy getting ready to go to space." He smirked as JC climbed back up beside him.

"I've noticed." JC was serious now and Lance almost groaned aloud. "We all have, Lance. It seems like you barely have time for anything else any more."

"I'm training to be a cosmonaut, JC. It's pretty time consuming." Lance wasn't sure what else to say. He had a feeling that JC had something on his mind and that he wasn't going to rest until he was satisfied with Lance's answers.

"I get that. I do. But it seems like ever since this started, you haven't had a lot of space for anything else. I'm worried that you're pushing yourself too hard."

"It's something I've always dreamed of doing. I have to work hard."

JC nodded. "Sure. I understand, but I don't think you should trade one obsession in for another."

"Obsession? What? JC?" Lance hated JC's occasional forays into the melodramatic. "Since when have I been obsessed with anything?" JC's leg was jiggling and Lance fought the desire to clamp a hand down on it.

"OK. Not obsessed. Um, fixated, maybe, or preoccupied." JC was struggling with what he wanted to say. "It's just, things with you weren't great before the space thing came up. Sure, Freddy was around. He still is, right?"

Lance nodded.

"But, there was the whole Justin thing too." JC had pinned Lance with his eyes. "I just think that maybe Freddy wasn't quite enough and that this was a good way to distract yourself."

Resigning himself to the conversation, Lance nodded. "It is, JC. I have to keep my focus while I'm training and when I'm not, Freddy is fine." He sighed and let his head drop forward.

JC's voice was soft and sad. "You're not over it, are you?"

"I'll never be over it, C. I've accepted that.

"But, you know he's never going to…"

"I know."

"And even if he did it would be…"

Lance finished for JC. "A disaster." He rested his elbows on his knees and sunk his head into his hands before looking back at JC. "I know what it would be like, JC. It's all I think about in my spare time here." He dropped his head again. "I love him, but even if the possibility was there, it wouldn't work. I wouldn't be able to give him the attention that he needs and his constant performing would drive me crazy. We'd get our wires crossed and hurt each other without meaning too. Then we'd avoid each other and sulk and make life in the band a misery." JC's hand was rubbing at the back of Lance's neck now. "But that doesn't matter, because I'm still in love with him and that's never going to go away."

"Maybe…"

Lance cut him off. "It doesn't matter, JC. Maybe I will fall in love with someone else and live happily ever after, but Justin will still be there." He pressed at his eyes and looked at JC again. "He'll still be there, because somehow he's become the standard. I can't look at someone without comparing them to him and the way he makes me feel. When I have sex, I wonder if it would be better or worse with Justin. In my head, it's always better. The smallest things remind me of him and the smallest differences make others not good enough."

"What about…"

"Freddy? He's different. He doesn't love me, I don't love him. There are no expectations and he's so unlike Justin that it doesn't matter." Lance sighed. "I know it's never going to go away. I can feel it through my soul. There'll always be a skip in my heart when Justin smiles at me. I'll always feel a little tingle at the base of my spine when he touches me. And if he ever flirts with me again, I won't be able to stop that tiny bit of hope leaping to my throat."

JC's arms wrapped around Lance and held him tight.

"It's never going to go away and I'm never going to have it." Lance relaxed into JC and let himself go.

*

The call came on a Thursday. Lance wasn't going to space after all – the money hadn't been found. He hadn't thought it was possible to feel so hollow. His suitcase sat open on the bed, taunting in its emptiness. There were piles of clothes beside it; some folded, most not. Lance had only got a little way into his packing before being overcome with the urge to sit down. Every now and then he thought about running to the bathroom, but his stomach would settle and he'd still be in his chair. Alone. He'd sent Freddy home the day before. There was no point in him being there any more. Lance didn't want him there any more.

He sighed and willed the overwhelming inertia away. It didn't go. He sighed again and wondered if people only got one dream a lifetime. Maybe he'd been greedy, wanting two.

Lance was still contemplating his suitcase when the phone cut through the silence. "Hello." His voice felt scratchy, unused.

"Lance, baby!" Justin sounded a long way away which, Lance supposed, he actually was.

"Hi Justin. You heard?"

Justin's voice was sympathetic, but he had no idea. "Yeah. I heard. I'm really sorry, dude."

"Thanks." Lance's response was dull, flat, but he didn't have the energy to fake being ok. He wasn't ok.

"I'm in London." Justin didn't say anything about Lance's voice, didn't ask how Lance was feeling. Lance appreciated that. "You should come. Come and visit me, cut loose, have some fun."

Lance wasn't sure. Right now, he didn't want to do anything except sit in his chair. "I don't know."

"Come on, man. It'll be fun! Like old times." Justin sounded like he was moving around; there was a lot of background noise. "You haven't partied in forever. It's not healthy."

"Where are you?" Lance wanted to know what the noise in the background was.

"Shopping - in Soho. You'd love it, there's so much cool stuff." Justin started cajoling and Lance could see the pout that accompanied it in his mind. "Please. Come for me. None of the others have been yet and I'm lonely." Lonely was drawn out into a long whine. It made Lance smile.

"I don't know, Justin. I'm not much company right now." Lance glanced at his suitcase.

When are you ever?" Justin asked.

"Yeah, because that's exactly the sort of attitude that makes me want to visit you."

"Lance. You know I'm not serious."

"Uhuh." He was nodding.

"But I will be if you don't get your ass to London so I can cheer it and the rest of you up."

"You're going to cheer up my ass?" Lance smiled for the second time that day, twice more than the day before, and stood up.

Justin laughed. "You bet your ass I am. It's my job. Now, get to London so I can do it."

Lance heard the phone click as Justin hung up. He was bemused and that was million times better than anaesthetized. Looking at the phone, he dialled the number of his travel agent and had her organise a flight to London.

*

Justin met him at the hotel and wrapped him in a massive hug. Lance held on for a minute, then pushed away, wheezing. "Breathe," he said. "I still have to breathe."

Justin slapped his back. "Fuck that shit. It's over-rated."

Lance stared. "Breathing's over-rated?"

"Shit, yeah. Now come on."

Lance laughed the whole way up to the suite. It felt good. When they were inside, Lance reached for Justin's shoulder. "Thanks. I needed that." He hadn't touched Justin first in a long time and it was strange. There weren't any tingles, just a small ache. He wasn't sure if Justin noticed or not – he didn't react if he did.

"I told you on the phone. It's my job." He opened Lance's suitcase and waved at it. "Go. Shower and change. I cleared my day so I could spend it with you."

Lance did as he was told and spent the rest of the day following Justin. They shopped until Lance could take no more and then they went to dinner at some hole in the wall bar that Justin couldn't stop raving about. It was perfect for Lance's mood. He felt as though he was in an emotional bubble and the dark carpet, wooden bar and dim lighting seemed just like a step out of the world. When their food came, Justin looked at him and Lance held up a hand. "Don't ask, please. I'm just getting used to feeling things again. I don't want to go back to being numb."

Justin nodded and didn't ask, but later, when they were in the club and drunker than they should be, he took Lance's hand and held it for a while. It reminded Lance of Justin's break up with Britney. Now he knew just how much what he had done had helped.

Justin kept true to his word. When he wasn't busy, he made it his mission to make Lance laugh. Which he did. More than Lance had thought would ever be possible after losing his chance at space flight. There was a problem, nonetheless; the walls he'd built around his heart in Russia were starting to fall and Lance could only think of one solution. He wasn't ready to be around Justin in an emotionally vulnerable state.

When they came home from the club that night, Lance followed Justin into his room. "I'm leaving tomorrow, Justin. It's time to go home."

Justin's brow furrowed. "Are you sure? You can stay as long as you want."

"I know, but there are things I have to do and it's not a good idea for me to stay here too long."

"Not a good idea?"

"You know why. Don't make me say any more than I have to." Lance laid a hand on Justin's forearm. "You've been exactly what I needed, Justin – the best friend I could have wished for at a time like this. But it's time for me to go." Lance reached up and pressed his lips to Justin's, before turning to leave. He paused at the door, said "Thank you," softly and left.

*

It began in Florida, that first day when Lance met the rest of the band and thought it was criminal for one kid to have so much charisma.

It began in Europe when Lance discovered that Justin could make him smile and laugh no matter how exhausted and homesick they were.

It began when Nsync returned home and Justin's energy and enthusiasm helped Lance keep his own.

It began during the biggest fight of their lives when Justin inspired Lance with his strength and faith.

It began when they exploded and became untouchable and Justin turned into Lance's ideal.

It began at the beginning.


End file.
